July 31, 2014

The Fault in Our Stars

So I saw this movie about two kids dying and I cried. I cried because it made me think about my own death, which made me think about my life and my desire to live a meaningful life; not the kind where I try and make a lot of money and maybe I do and maybe I don’t, but the kind where there’s depth and connection and love and feeling, real feeling.


I didn’t cry because I was lonely or sad or feeling regret—I’ve felt all of those before—but this time I cried because I felt love, the kind where you connect so deeply with someone and lose all self-consciousness and feel so wanted and accepted and adored.


I saw love on the screen, and it reminded me of how deeply I’ve felt love and what a great thing it is.


I cried because I was afraid, in a good way I think, afraid of losing, not a game or client or a career, but of losing opportunities… to live fully and love greatly, to deeply impact someone’s life.


I was at the same time grateful, for all I’ve been given, that I’ve been chosen and loved by the creator of the universe, and that I can learn and grow and love and feel so intensely.


I was reminded that life can be deeply painful with lots of uncertainties and cruel realities, but at the same time there is incredible beauty, and that, like the sign on the stairs says, everything will be ok in the end, because if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.


The end is heaven, which is actually the start, the start of an infinity greater than one can imagine, with more depth and breadth and excitement and anticipation than love has ever shown me.