9 (IX) Rules of Communication for an Extraordinary Life

By: Jim Murphy

9 (IX) Rules of Communication for an Extraordinary Life

  • The quality of your life is dependent on the quality of your relationships (to God, self, others, work and your environment).
  • The quality of your relationships is dependent on the quality of your communication.
  • There is no field of study, no line of work, no role in life where how you communicate doesn’t greatly impact how well you do it.

Note: Last week was an amazing experience with YWAM Homes of Hope. In two days we built a house for a family of five. They went from a one-room shack to a house with lights and locking door, stove, and bunkbeds. Check out the pics here!

Be prepared for an exciting announcement this spring about an upcoming Inner Excellence Retreat combined with a YWAM Homes of Hope house build. Get the best of Inner Excellence along with a life-changing experience building a house for a family in need.

9 Rules of Communication for an Extraordinary Life

On October 17, 2022 I boarded a flight from Jeddah, Saudi Arabia to Cairo, Egypt. As soon as we leveled off, the captain announced that the flight attendants will now spray a “harmless” insecticide throughout the cabin. (It kills all bugs on contact but for humans it’s like a green drink. 🙂 Within 60 seconds or so the flight attendants held up these cans that filled the airplane cabin with insecticide, particles spreading to every corner of the cabin.

This is what communication is like. We are not simply communicating through things we say, but our entire being is broadcasting energy that extends throughout the area, mixing with the energy of others in the vicinity.

“We are all interconnected by energy… Energies are communication. We vibrate and broadcast just like a radio; we’re broadcasting who we are out into the field.”

– Bruce Lipton, PhD, cell biologist (see a short clip on this – start at 1:59)

1. Communication is broadcasting your energy. You are continuously sending and receiving energy signals. Everything you do (or don’t do) and say (or don’t say) sends a message. You can’t not communicate. You are an energy field (and so is everyone you encounter) and you’re broadcasting that energy wherever you go.

2. You communicate what’s in your heart. Your heart is the source of all your accumulated thoughts, words, and actions, and it’s being programmed daily by everything you look at, watch, read, listen to, and people you spend time with. The energy you’re sharing (and messages you’re sending – whether you want to or not) originate in your heart.

3. The meaning of your communication is how the receiver interprets it. No matter how well intentioned you are, the meaning of whatever you tried to communicate is what the recipient understood. Everyone has their own lens through which they see the world, and great communicators adjust their communication to fit the recipient.

4. Speak the truth about the past to create possibilities in the future. Every time you mention something you don’t want to continue (from the past) in the present tense, you create a path for that unwanted thing/pattern to continue. Thus, the key is to make sure you say as past tense anything you do not want to continue. For example, “In the past I struggled with my driver,” or “In the past I used to get a little thrown off when forced to inhale “harmless” insecticides.” Note: This rule (Speak the Truth – not inhale insecticides haha) is one of the nine (IX) disciplines of Inner Excellence.

5. Never trade your (ego-based) need to be right for staying in rhythm (connected to) your goals and dreams. Every time you get angry or frustrated at someone, or argue for your rights, you’re letting go of your dream and the possibilities in the present moment and stepping into negativity (away from your dream).

6. Maintain strict boundaries around your energy/state. Just like we have strict boundaries around our routines (your life is a reflection of your habits of thought and action), we do the same for our energy. We are always communicating with the universe around us, and we want to make sure we’re connecting with what’s amazing and still possible instead of what we don’t want.

7. Maintain a 5:1 ratio of praise to critique. This was a rule shared by 3x College World Series Champion coach (University of Arizona) Jerry Kindall. When they know you love them (or at least want the best for them), they will respond to critique much better.

8. Avoid labels unless they are positive ones. Never use the words “you are” or “I am” unless it’s an empowering characteristic. For example, I might say, “I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s hypothyroid,” not “I have Hashimoto’s.” I would never say “my Hashimoto’s” because it’s not mine. It’s a diagnosis that at some point will be medically changed to “You are a world class athlete with a perfect thyroid.” 🙂

9. Stay connected and curious. When you judge self, others or the circumstance, you’re really judging yourself. Curiosity and connection goes out the window. Remember, you’re not the judge.

Some tips:

When you’re performing:

1. Make sure your self-talk is empowering.

2. Make sure your always pursuing non-judgmental awareness (to be in the moment, with a heightened awareness, while not judging the moment).

3.Have a mantra ready to go for parts of your game you want more confidence in.

When you’re coaching/leading:

Same as performing, but also…

1. Make sure the words you use are always what you want them to do, not what you don’t (we always want the image in their mind to be of what you want them to do).

2. Make sure you know they’re mentally and emotionally ready to listen before you teach or coach, otherwise you may be wasting everyone’s time (or worse).

3. Never yell at someone, especially during a game. As Hall-of-fame baseball coach Davey Johnson told me, “When you’re yelling at someone, you may as well be yelling at yourself because you’re the one that taught them how to do that.” Another MLB coach told me, “If you’re yelling at someone in the dugout, remember, they’re all listening. You’re yelling at the whole team.”

When you disagree with someone:

1. Seek first to understand and make them feel understood. Clarify and summarize until they affirm, “Yes, that’s exactly what I said, and that’s how I feel.” Make sure they feel heard and understood before you say anything or make suggestions.

2. Extend an invitation. I’d like to invite you to consider an idea. Invitations maintain open lines of communication.

3. Don’t defend yourself. If you’re wrong, apologize. Even if the words you shared are true, when you communicate with someone, you bring a lot more than words. You bring your tone, your body language, and you also bring your past, your experiences, your fears, and your wounds. Let go of your need to be right and recognize your shared humanity.

4. Be careful not to use words of conflict. When you say “yes, but…” or “that’s not true,” or “no,” the other person will stop listening and go into defense mode. If they misspoke, go back to step one and maybe they’ll catch it themselves. If they repeat the same mistake or non-truth, go to step two.

How to text when someone no-shows or shows up late:

1. Hey Pedro, I had in my calendar a 3pm meeting with you, did I get that wrong?

I’d love to hear the best tips that have helped you in your communication if you want to share!

Love Jim

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